THIS IS THE FIRST ARTICLE BY SCOT MCKAY OF X Y COMMUNICATIONS. HE'S GOING TO BE OUR FEATURED COLUMNIST ON RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT. I KNOW MANY OF YOU GUYS WOULD LOVE TO KNOW HOW TO KEEP GIRLFRIENDS AND MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS MORE ENJOYABLE.
There's always a lot of emphasis placed on not giving one's power away when relating to women. Yet, the exact meaning of this concept continually eludes a lot of guys out there.
It's easy to see why this would be the case.
On one hand, the vast majority of us don't want to be controlling I/Js (Idiot/Jerks). But on the other hand, we see countless instances on television of guys in sitcoms who think they're "large and in charge", but who in reality are nothing more than, well...p-whipped.
It's pretty much your biggest nightmare when it comes to relationship management, isn't it?
As a man, you know you're supposed to provide leadership and a sense of security to a woman in a relationship. But there just aren't a lot of shining examples out there with regard to how to be effective at it.
It used to be that men knew how to quarterback a relationship. Men were men, and the women loved us for it.
But somewhere in the latter half of the twentieth century, something went awry.
Perhaps this all started way back in the Stone Age of television, when "The Honeymooners" graced the black and white screen. In case you're curious, I'm way too young to remember that also, but therein lies part of the problem.
You see, a major subplot of the show involved Jackie Gleason's booming, demanding, larger-than-life persona and how he related to his wife. Though seeming to have a "my way or the highway" attitude, whenever the chips were down he would crack under pressure and become an indecisive, self-loathing ball of confusion. It was then his wife would step in, take care of business and save the day.
The genius of Jackie Gleason was, of course...ironic comedy.
Why was the show so funny? You guessed it. Men didn't REALLY act like that. So when you saw it happening on television, it made you laugh.
Years later, The Flintstones were basically modeled after the Honeymooners. In between Ricky and Lucy had come along. And the die was cast.
Fast forward to today, and nearly EVERY television comedy involves a guy who is full of sound and fury, but in the end...p-whipped.
And because such scenarios have been a fixture on television for so long, most of us no longer remember when they weren't.
The danger is that we as guys begin to see that kind of relationship as NORMAL, rather than the comedic aberration it's meant to be.
The cold hard truth is this: Though women will test your ability to lead and provide security to a relationship, they really don't want to "own" you. Not in real life.
In fact, show me a woman who "wears the pants" in a relationship, and I'll show you a bitter, resentful woman.
Think about it. Running through the file cards of your mind, can you think of any woman you know who has her boyfriend in her back pocket but also respects him and adores him in the way most men desire?
Short of Cuba Gooding, Jr. and his wife in Jerry Maguire, you'll be hard pressed. Besides, the intent in Jerry Maguire is again ironic comedy.
So no doubt, it's time to get in touch with exactly how we as guys tend to fall into a dangerous state of having been "pwned" by the chick we're with.
Granted, I don't think any of us decide from the outset that we're going to become p-whipped. For most guys who end up in that zone, it all happens so gradually that one day you wake up and it dawns on you that you're already there.
Crazy, huh?
Here's a little 20/20 foresight for you. What follows are five ways you can get p-whipped without ever even realizing what hit you:
1) CONTROL BY WEAKNESS
She's feeling sick or is too tired, so you cater to her (again) because you feel sorry for her. And since you are sick of the place looking like hell, you also do all the dishes...and pick up all the trash...and clean the bathroom...again.
I'm not saying that the opposite should be the case and that she should do all the heavy lifting. I'm simply demonstrating how the balance shifts from a reasonable place to "all you all the time".
2) STEPPING IN WHEN SHE MESSES UP
OK, well she has burned your dinner and/or put too much salt in the spaghetti sauce one time too many. So you cook dinner from now on.
And she threw a red t-shirt in with your white socks again, ruining every pair you have. So you do the laundry from now on.
And whenever she does the grocery shopping, she has this way of buying $100 worth of stuff...and nothing to eat. Or drink, either.
If she demonstrates incompetence-or even perceived incompetence-enough, you'll pretty much take over everything...right?
3) DREADING HER DRAMA OVER EVEN THE LITTLE THINGS
Face it, we as guys can't stand theatrical demos and hurt feelings. The last thing the typical guy wants to handle is having made a woman cry.
So instead of dealing with the fallout from potential conflict, we avoid it altogether.
4) THINKING SHES OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE
If you are not used to having high-quality options when it comes to women, you may very feel you've hit the friggin' jackpot when a true hottie walks into your life.
If your mindset is such that you feel you're going to have to be "Mr. Perfect" in order to pull off keeping her around, you're toast.
5) THINKING ITS HARDER TO BREAK UP AND START ALL OVER THAN TO JUST LET IT RIDE
You may see yourself becoming a bit resentful and dissatisfied with how things are already going in the relationship. But in your mind it sounds like too much work to end this relationship and have to find another woman.
After all, how bad can it possibly get? Some people have nobody in their lives, so at least you have someone.
Once she knows you'll stick around no matter what happens, you've made yourself vulnerable to being taken for granted.
"Do you see a pattern here?" The irony of how most guys get p-whipped is that they initially see their decisions and subsequent actions as being rooted in strength. It's easy to enter into any of the situations above feeling like you're taking the proverbial "bull by the horns" and making something happen YOUR way and by YOUR rulebook.
For example, if you perceive she isn't getting things done or messing stuff up, you feel as if you're taking control by getting the job done. And by avoiding conflict, you may believe you've taken an active role keeping peace and stability.
And by focusing on utter perfection in hopes of earning the continued affection of a great woman, you might think you're giving 100%...which is a man's job.
And by "never giving up" on a relationship you could trick yourself into believing you are exhibiting the masculine trait of perseverance vis-`a-vis being a "quitter".
But because you are actually afraid of the unknown, you are really just "settling".
In each of these cases, actually, the subtle and insidious reality is that you quickly fall prey to tolerating passivity from the woman you are with, which-in a twist of ultimate irony-puts her in complete, utter control.
NEXT TIME: HOW TO BE IN CONTROL WITHOUT BEING A CONTROLLER
IF YOU LIKED SCOT'S ADVICE, CHECK OUT HIS NEW PROGRAM CALLED "DESERVE WHAT YOU WANT".
Suggested free e-books to read:
Chris Jackson - 101 Ways To Build Happy Lasting Relationships
Tom Mcnight - How To Get A Man To The Alter Without Going To Bed With Him First
Rah - How To Seduce Others With The Hidden Power Of Your Mind
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