SUSAN J. ELLIOTT IS A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER, GRIEF THERAPIST, EXPERT COMMENTATOR, ATTORNEY, POPULAR BLOGGER, AND AUTHOR OF GETTING PAST YOUR BREAKUP: HOW TO TURN A DEVASTATING BREAKUP INTO THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU_.
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READER QUESTION 1: WHY CAN'T I STOP FLIRTING?
I am dating a woman who is fantastic - granted, she's not perfect in the looks department, but what she lacks in beauty, she more than makes up for with her personality and loyalty.
So what's the problem?
I find myself checking out other women constantly and even flirt way more than I should. I don't know why I do this; Tina is phenomenal and I am so lucky to have her. So why am I acting like this? Why do I desire all these other women? Please help me.
SUSAN J. ELLIOTTS ANSWER:
Whenever you are dating someone who is terrific yet you are attracted to a lot of other people, there could be a number of things going on for you. The only one who can figure it out is you, but you might not have the questions, let alone the answers!
So let me help you out with some of the questions to ask yourself. You might not have the answers right away, but here are some things to ponder:
1. IS IT A HISTORICAL ISSUE? Have you had this issue before? If so, when did it happen and how did you resolve it? If not, why do you think it is happening now?
2. IS IT SOME KIND OF COMMITMENTPHOBIA? That's about desiring women you don't have rather than being happy with the one you do have It's also about not being ready to settle down or not being ready to commit. Those things will keep you picking apart your partner no matter who she is.
3. IS IT A FIDELITY ISSUES? Can you stay true (in every sense of the word) to one woman?
4. IS IT A VANITY ISSUE? Is it because you know you have a terrific woman but she's not as attractive as you'd like?
5. IS IT AN INSECURITY ISSUE? Do you need to prove you are still attractive to attractive women... that you could have a more attractive woman if you want?
6. IS IT AN IMMATURITY ISSUE? You're just not ready to stop flirting! It has nothing to do with your current girlfriend.
You need to think about and answer these questions. Figure out what is behind all the flirting and desiring. If you answer that you do want to be with Tina and no one else, the key is going to be to reign yourself in.
You need to cultivate self-discipline and self-respect, and respect for Tina and the relationship. It's not enough to just commit to seeing only one person; you have to commit to reign in your flirty ways.
Flirting and desiring are fine if you're single, but the behavior needs to stop when you are in a relationship with someone you care about. The question is: can you stop? Will you stop?
Many people think that if they are with the right person, these behaviors will just go away. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. But whenever you are engaging in behaviors you're not proud of or want to stop, you have to examine yourself and see if you are just lacking in self-discipline or you're not with the right person.
Think about the answers to the questions above and if Tina is the one for you, make an effort to stop the flirtation and shut off the desires when they pop up. If it's an on-going battle, you may need to look again at your relationship and see if it's what you really want. Good luck.
Kate Fox - Guide To Flirting
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