8020 Leading With Desire

8020 Leading With Desire Cover
How much do you know about sex addicts? They're fascinating. I don't have too much experience, but that which I have seen has been pretty informative.

My first exposure was through Chuck Palahniuk's book _Choke_. It's sordid and interesting and sad all at once. The book doesn't have the same generational appeal as his other masterpiece - _Fight Club_ - but I'd recommend it. Definitely better than the movie. Californication is also a great take on the addiction, as is Russell Brand's _My Booky Wooky_.

If that's as close as you get, that's just fine. You can draw your conclusions from there; mine have been further informed by relationships I've had with two sex addicts - a sexual relationship with a woman, and a friendship with a man. They're both quite strange people, and their lives are both never-ending parades of sexual abundance.

Clearly, I don't have a massive sample pool upon which to draw my conclusions. Two fictional characters, and three real characters whose lives are stranger than fiction. But there's enough overlap that I think it's safe to say the following: sex addicts are very good at finding sex and are able to arouse women.

Their minds are oriented towards it, and the things that are major deterrents to the rest of us are merely flies in the ointment to them. Annoyances, perhaps, but nothing more, on their quest to get off and arouse women. The strategies they develop are diverse. Some rely on volume, withstanding rejection after rejection. Others become master flirts, and their personalities enable their addictions and can attract women. Others seek out the weak and vulnerable. But in all cases, there is something driving them towards sex - a force and a desire - that most others lack.

If you're like the average human being, you can go without sex for a week or two without crawling up a wall, and you might even be able to hold out for a few months before you start waking up to dirty thoughts of that annoying yet amorous "five" who your friend once brought to your party and who now stalks you on facebook. "Maybe if I had a few shots of Whiskey before she came over..?" The sex addict, of course, wouldn't be in your situation, because he would have gone after that "five" the moment he realized it was his for the taking and would go and arouse women right and left.

This is instructive inasmuch as we hold ourselves back from going after what we want. When considered in the context of the vitamins and painkillers metaphor, the vitamin _is_ the painkiller for the sex addict. Scale back from sex addicts, and you get those who will have sex with anything with two legs and a pulse. We might call these people _sexually opportunistic_. If they're men, they usually end up becoming bisexual, finding that "getting ass" in a literal way from men is easier than "getting ass" in a metaphorical way from women.

One step back from those individuals are the men who will sleep with just about any woman and who can arouse women. They're not discriminating. Fattie coming onto them at two AM as the bar's shutting down? Heck, why not! These men may aren't forever locked in mortal combat with their libidos, but they can't walk away from a fight with the ol' sex drive when a real woman is involved. All three of the archetypes I've just presented have ways of finding sex - let's call them _sexual strategies_ - that probably haven't occurred to you, since you're reading this site.

In fact, since your sexual strategy now _includes_ the act of seeking out information on how to get more women, I'm going to make a leap and guess that every now and then, you let your fears get the best of you, and you don't take the shot, or you push the girl away from you when you should be pulling her in when you want to get women. In this way the painkiller is merely the act of _doing nothing _or_ self-rejecting_. Not risking it. Not going for it. We have fear of rejection... because rejection is painful... so we let our fears guide us. We walk cautiously, we push people away, and we don't go for the opportunities when they're there for us. We know we need to take our vitamins, but they're big and lumpy and sometimes it's easier to put them off until tomorrow. We'll be getting to fear of rejection more in a bit. But for now, join me in a thought exercise, will you? How often has the following happened? You have a goal in mind: maybe it is talking to a girl, maybe it is kissing her or trying to arouse women but you fear what will happen if you go for it. You imagine a horrible little future where you are rejected and cast back to ebook purgatory. You tense up, your mind starts thinking _logically_ - "how do I prevent that from happening?" - and things get awkward. What if, instead of allowing your ego and your mind the self-indulgent luxury of reveling in some rejection that hasn't yet happened, you were to allow your sexual desire some revelry of its own? You don't need to be a sex addict to lead with your desire. You just need to want women and be able to attract women. Oh, and I'm sure you do... but you have to want it when you're talking to women, more than you mind getting rejected by them. And when you're getting better at talking to women, it can be hard to think about sex when you're thinking "what do I say next?"

So what's the answer? The best solution, if you want to call it that, is what we call _forcing a sexual state_. In other words, reminding yourself that yes, it'd be kind of nice to hook up with this girl and get women. Get graphic in your mind. What are your turn-ons? Imagine those things... with her. Seriously man - think about the curves of her body that you can't see, that are hidden just out of view. Look down at her legs - and look all the way up to where they come together if she's wearing black stretch pants. Imagine kissing the nape of her neck... and imagine her lips on parts of your body that are now starting to get excited. Allow yourself to enjoy it.

Social pressure has a way of making us forget about things that are important to us. You would be shocked - or maybe you wouldn't - to know how many clients I've worked with who let their sexual desires get whipped into subservience like a freshman getting hazed. These guys aren't thinking (or feeling) how sexy a woman is... all the little nooks and crannies on her body that are so delicious and amazing. They let fears, ego, "being right" and all sorts of other things that just don't matter get in the way. They create self-imposed roadblocks between themselves and women who, by all rights, are into them. Don't let this happen to you.

When you start to think about her in a sexual way, a few things happen. Time slows down and you become more attentive to everything around you. You develop a greater appreciation for this fine woman in front of you, and she starts to feel your vibes, too.

When you get to a more advanced level and you've been down this road a few times, merely reminding yourself to enter a sexual state is often enough. Your unconscious will take over and do the rest of the work. You may not be there yet, but work at it and you will be. You don't have to be a sex addict to start to think like one and begin to arouse women. You merely need to allow your own sexuality and sexual desires to take charge. And there's no need to overthink it. Underneath all the clothes, the glitz, the social shell, the conversation, the stories we share, the games we play... we're all just naked human beings. Find out more about how to attract women today.

Suggested free e-books to read:

Bishop - Building Creative Fire
Bryan Plumb - Rapport Cheating The Chemistry

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