DONNA F. FERBER, LPC, LADC IS A LICENSED PSYCHOTHERAPIST IN CONNECTICUT. HER NEWEST BOOK, "PROFILEACTICS: A GUIDE FOR THE PREVENTION OF ILL-CONCEIVED PERSONAL ADS" IS AVAILABLE AT BOOKSTORES EVERYWHERE, AMAZON.COM OR AT PROFILEACTICS.COM. HER FIRST BOOK, "FROM EX-WIFE TO EXCEPTIONAL LIFE: A WOMANS JOURNEY THROUGH DIVORCE" WON AN HONORABLE MENTION AWARD BY THE INDEPENDENT PUBLISHERS ASSOCIATION. TO READ MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR AND HER WORK, PLEASE VISIT DONNAFERBER.COM.
Suggested free e-books to read:
READER QUESTION 1: PRESSURE TO MARRY
I have been dating a woman for 3 years now, and I think that marriage is the direction we will be heading in. The thing is, over the last 3 months, she has been pressuring me and arguing with me about marriage, to the extent where she's giving me ultimatums.
Now, I'm rethinking the whole marriage thing because if she's acting like this now, what will she be like once we've tied the knot?
Am I right to feel like her behavior is somewhat out of control or do all women get this way after they spend a certain amount of time dating? We have been living together for a year. She's 30 and I'm 33.
"DONNA FERBER'S ANSWER:
Dating is about getting to know each other-this includes how well you resolve conflict. Many couple marry without having never argued and then they find themselves stunned when they argue, not only that they disagree but how they disagree.
Conflict is a part of life and a part of all relationships. The success of your conflict resolution style is directly related to the success of the marriage. How you fight is more important than what you fight about.
Here are some questions to ask yourself about your relationship:
- How do you resolve conflict?
- Do you listen to each other?
- Are you respectful of your partners opinion even if you disagree?
- Can you compromise?
- Can you agree to disagree?
- Do you try to win or do you look for resolution?
- Do you shout, name call, bully, threaten, have tantrums?
- Do you try to control by withdrawing affection, or sex?
- Do you use silence or sarcasm?
If you employ the first set of strategies then most problems can be easily resolved. In the second set of strategies, the focus is on manipulating the outcome to get you way. Whenever we manipulate, we may win the argument but the "loser" may feel resentful or controlled. Furthermore, that kind of coercion can result in a festering of hostility that impacts the future health of the relationship.
A word to your girlfriend, if you start a marriage with an ultimatum, you will never know for sure if he married you because he wanted to or because you bullied him into it.
READER QUESTION 2: THE FIRST KISS
Should men go in for the kiss on a first date? Every woman friend I have tells me that if I don't the woman will think me a wuss, but I've tried it a couple of times and got shot down. When I tried, it was because I thought that the girls and I had the right chemistry. So what are the signs that I should go in for the kiss if that's the case?
DONNA FERBER'S ANSWER:
Both men and women use body language to communicate their level of interest. During the date, does she face you directly, look into your eyes? Does she use her hands expressively to talk-palms open and up? Does she sometimes touch you leg with her foot? Does she play with her hair, touch you on the arm, laugh enthusiastically at your jokes? These are signals that she likes you and would most likely not recoil from a good night kiss.
If you are not getting any of these signals, then there is a good chance she is not ready to take the relationship to the next level. In that case, you might have to settle for a hug at the end of the date.
If you are in doubt, don't be afraid to ask. " May I give you a hug?" is a respectful mature way to act. Women will appreciate your manners, feel respected and if she is undecided as to whether or not to see you again, this behavior may just clinch the deal. Since when does respect make one a "wuss"?
Marsh - The Ten Pleasures Of Marriage
Keywords: juggler street approaches franco manual rigs husband insider tips bates anywhere brad shocker conquering quirks berger minutes macking online dating secrets nonverbal cuing mind lines changing facts anyone
Suggested free e-books to read:Alphahot1 - Banging Women From First Meeting To Getting Them Into Bed