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One Girlfriend Can Be Enough If You Stay Busy

The key to this is, if guys work on developing this part of their life and work on becoming more attractive as a person they can ultimately make the decision. The problem that most guys face when they haven't had a lot of success and they don't feel like they've got an abundance of beautiful women out there in the world they can pick from is that they don't really get the opportunity to make a choice.

What I find with many clients that I work with is they will start at a really low place, but they will start to implement some of the philosophies that we teach as part of the DiCarlo Coaching program. They will start to feel a little bit of momentum. Maybe they'll be able to start to approach girls without any fear or hesitation. Then they might find that girls become more attracted and they start getting more confident. Maybe they'll have their first sexual experience in years, sometimes ever.

When that happens, ultimately they are now incorporating much better philosophies and they have a skill set that girls will find attractive. Girls will start to see them as an option to date. When guys get to that point they often find themselves in a complete predicament, because they like the girl, like the idea of being in a relationship, but also like the thought of exploring other possibilities.

Generally it's the reason why guys come to get coaching in the first place. But at the same time they are enjoying the process of this self-discovery and personal development and certainly enjoying the idea of multiple women seeing them as attractive.

Guys then feel like the weight of the world is crushing them, because they have to make it some way or the other. What I encourage guys in that situation to do is to just step back and recognize any decision you make doesn't have to be binding. You can make a decision and then three months down the track look to change that decision.

So if you decide to get yourself into an exclusive relationship and have one girlfriend, it's not necessarily permanent. If it's not working out for you, you can be honest, authentic and have that discussion with your girlfriend and tell her you need that little bit more space and you like the idea of continuing on this journey.

Likewise if you decide not being in a relationship is the right fit for you now, there's nothing saying it won't be the right fit for you in a later point in time. If you are honest with the person you were seeing you will be surprised how often they are open on continuing something on a more casual basis.

I think the right time to get into a relationship is a decision that ultimately every guy needs to make from his heart. It's not an intellectual decision. Go with your heart and get a sense of what feels right. When you make that decision, stick to it. In a month's time or a few weeks' time, go back and look at it.

Suggested free e-books to read:

Joseph Matthews - The Boyfriend Is Not An Obstacle
Christian Godefroy - How To Change Your Shyness

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David Deangelo Offers Great Push Pull Tactics

We've all had the experience of chasing a girl - and we all know how that ends. When you chase someone, you just get them to run away faster. Chasing doesn't work because chasing subcommunicates lower value: if you're chasing her, that must mean she's higher value than you, otherwise she would be chasing you.

On the other hand, you can't refuse to chase, either. Women expect men to take the lead in dating, and unless her attraction level for you is through the roof, waiting for her is really just giving other guys an opportunity to swoop in ahead of you. While you're not calling, or escalating they are. And if they're attractive, well, she's not going to wait on you.

David DeAngelo offers great push pull tactics in his guide, Double Your Dating. Have a sneak peak at it here.

Fortunately, there's is a solution to this catch-22, and that solution is PUSH PULL ROUTINES. You remain unpredictable, and refuse to fall into a "courting" frame. On the other hand, you continue to provide opportunities for her to spend time with you, you continue to provide her with good emotions, and you continue to escalate kino.

We've already seen some examples of PUA push-pull in other articles so far. For example, when you call a girl for the first time, and you don't ask her out, and you get off the phone first, you are practicing push-pull. She is receiving mixed messages: "He seems to like me, he seems to enjoy my company, but he didn't ask me out. Why didn't he ask me out?" Or when you invite a girl to a group activity: on one hand, you're asking her out, but on the other it doesn't feel like a date, so she doesn't know where she stands.

Conversationally, it's often good to keep this dynamic going. If you praise her for something (which you should do, often!) make sure you deflate her a little, too. It's okay if this is playful, and a little goes a long way.

WIth kino, two-steps-forward, one-step-back is a form of push-pull. Being the one to stop kissing is incredibly powerful. (One great technique is to start kissing her in a location where you can't go very far so you're the one to stop it.) Women are so used to men trying to get every inch of physical affection they can that when you stop things, they'll often have a powerful surge demanding more. You can use the control you have over her physical reactions in this way as a springboard for cocky humor, as well.

Learning to calibrate how much push goes with how much pull takes time and experience. Try to develop a feel for when you're leaning forward, and when she is. A little attention can go a long way, and you'll probably start to pick it up pretty quickly. If this is new to you, don't be afraid to push a little harder than you're used to. WIth your value high, she'll come back around. In fact, while you're learning, if you never push hard enough to get a negative reaction, you're probably pulling too much and not pushing enough. Get out of your comfort zone and you'll probably discover that you have much more latitude than you think you do.

Good luck!

For more detailed and complex push pull routines, check out Double Your Dating by clicking here.

Suggested free e-books to read:

Tyler Durden - Alpha Behaviours Heirarchies States And Wingtactics
Nancy Friday - Forbidden Flowers More Women Fantasies
Theron Dumont - The Art And Science Of Personal Magnetism

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The Usefulness Of A New Attitude

When I expressed a need for a change in my attitude toward approaching in my last post I was very eager to go out and see what effects it would have on my game. I wanted to know if approaching a girl with boldness and not being afraid of what I wanted would have any significant effect. After finishing the post I immediately went to a local mall and began approaching.

Usually if I go out to meet girls I find it very hard to get past the initial nervousness. As I have mentioned in previous posts it usually takes me some time to push past the fear. This time was different. While it took a minute to find a target, as soon as I had one I made my move. The interaction was very brief because while I did my best to be charming my goal was to get used to the idea that I was pursuing what I wanted. So I asked for her number after about five minutes of interaction. She was married.

I quickly moved on and approached a girl I had wanted to talk to for a few weeks but had not had the courage. She was tending a sunglasses kiosk. She was also married.

I approached another and simply focused on flirting because she looked kind of young. She was responding very positively. At an appropriate time I asked her if she was going to school. Yes she was, to high school.

The next girl had a boyfriend. But she seemed impressed about my boldness.

The final approach was the worst. I was very encouraged about the fact that I had talked to four girls all within the space of an hour. I was so confident I simply said: "I am looking for a girlfriend." Not surprisingly she indicated she was not interested and neither was her friend. This brought me down to earth quite fast and I made a hasty retreat.

I did talk to a few other girls that night, just to strike up a conversation. In the end I learned some important things from these attempts and subsequent interactions.

-Being bold and honest about what I want, and pursuing it without apology is an effective antidote to fear. Especially if I was primarily afraid of my own desires.

-Rejection sucks. Big time. I am still kicking myself over the "I am looking for a girlfriend" line {Cringe}.

-Rejection is bearable and it is necessary for refining your approach.

-Malls may not be the best place for approaching. There are too many high-schoolers. I am thinking that going to a college may be a better place to approach.

-Boldness has a great deal of momentum. It gave me confidence to move from one approach to another without hesitation.

Since then I have done a number of approaches. Some with the intent of getting a number others just to strike up a conversation. This has taught me that doing several approaches with the intent of attracting a girl has its merits, but it is not necessary to separate your interactions into game and non-game categories. Every interaction is an opportunity to practice your skills whether projecting a bold attitude or simply practicing your people skills. Remember that game is a life skill and it is important to recognize that it can improve all areas of your life, not just your interactions with women.

After all an alpha is an alpha all the time, and if you have the attitude that game is something you are practicing all the time you will get better that much faster.Alpha Game 2011

Suggested free e-books to read:

Michael Hall - The Uniqueness Of Ns Coaching
Kevin Hogan - The Science Of Influence
Elena Petrova - The Golden Rules Of Online Dating

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Social Psychology

Photo by Jim Byerly
Below is an interview I did in January 2012 with Fay Simer, Senior Transportation Planner at MnDOT, about the 19th book in the Commissioner's Reading Corner Book of the Month series: Through the Labyrinth: The Truth About How Women Become Leaders by Alice Eagly and Linda Carli.

"TANG": What motivated you to step up and want to lead this book discussion?

SIMER: I think the topic of how women become leaders is relevant, particularly in the transportation industry, a field traditionally dominated by men. I saw the topic had not yet been brought up as part of the Commissioner's Reader Corner and I thought this book could add something to the discussion series.

"TANG": Why did you pick this book?

SIMER: Many authors on the topic of women's advancement essentially tell women that they either need to behave "more like men," i.e., more aggressively, or "more like women," i.e., more collaboratively. Through the Labyrinth stood out to me because it discusses the merits of different leadership styles and helps readers understand how their application in different professional settings is typically perceived by others.

"TANG": What do you like most about this book?

SIMER: The authors identify building social capital as an essential tool used by women who have achieved notable professional success. As a board member of the Women's Transportation Seminar in Minnesota, a professional organization with a mission to advance women in the transportation field, this book validates my belief in our work and the relevance of the group's mission.

"TANG": Traditionally, the biggest problem women face in their careers is a glass-ceiling in leadership positions. Nowadays, more women are in leadership positions. However, female leaders still face more obstacles and challenges than their male counterparts. What kinds of issues do women leaders have to struggle with today?

The book confirms that many of the usual suspects still contribute to the "labyrinth" of obstacles women face in their climb to the top. Married women still spend more hours per week on household chores and child-rearing than married men (though men's participation is increasing steadily); women still face stereotypes regarding what behaviors and attitudes are appropriate for their gender, and many organizational cultures do not support women seeking leadership experience. The point is that there is no clear path for a woman seeking to attain the top of her field; many women negotiate these barriers on their own. Discussing these barriers openly will help us learn how to better support women collectively as they advance in their careers.

TANG: You have taken on a leadership role with the Minnesota Women's Transportation Seminar. What kind of dilemma and obstacles have you experienced as an emerging women leader?

SIMER: I am the type of person that needs to be challenged and I like pushing myself in different directions. One of the things I appreciate about my board position on the Women's Transportation Seminar is the opportunity to take on roles that aren't part of my job description at MnDOT. Whether I'm organizing an event, leading other volunteers, or setting the board's initiatives for the year, I like the chance to be creative and to push myself to try different aspects of leadership activities that are new to me.

TANG: The authors say, to increase gender equality in the workplace, change must take place on four levels: the culture, the organization, the family and the individual. What can MnDOT and what can individuals do to improve our workplace for women leaders?

SIMER: The book points out that an organization's social culture can obstruct women's access to advancement opportunities as much as individual prejudices. The authors note that demands for long work hours, travel, and the ability to relocate- necessities in many managerial positions, can be especially difficult for women, who typically have more household obligations than men. In addition, the book notes that women face challenges obtaining appropriately demanding work assignments, called developmental job experiences that are prerequisites for promotion. I think these are areas that leaders at MnDOT could take a closer look as they determine how to distribute advancement opportunities equitably across the organization.

TANG: What are the most important lessons you have learned from the book? What are the most important ideas you would like people to take away from this book?

SIMER: Studies on corporate executives and boards of directors in US firms find that the inclusion of women is associated with stronger financial performance. Young men entering the workforce are more likely to question why they don't see women in managerial positions than why they do. Promoting parity among women and men's leadership opportunities is an organizational concern, not a "women's" concern.

"TANG": What lessons have you learned in your career that you would like to share with other women and would benefit other women to become more successful leaders?

SIMER: I place great value on the relationships I've had with mentors throughout my career development. My advice is to seek out people with qualities you admire and to learn as much from their leadership style as you can.

TANG: Tell us a little bit about your reading habits.

SIMER: I love reading! For anyone interested in an honest and insightful account of one woman's rise to the top of her field, I highly recommend Katherine Graham's Personal History.

Suggested free e-books to read:

In10se - Symbolic Morphology
Havelock Ellis - Studies In The Psychology Of Sex
Keanu Jagger - Situational Opener Technology

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One Girlfriend Can Be Enough If You Stay Busy

David Deangelo Offers Great Push Pull Tactics

The Usefulness Of A New Attitude

Social Psychology

Photo by Jim Byerly

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