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Last Thursday I was driving to my local Tescos to get some food. I turned into the store car park only to realise that the shutters were down... the store was closed.
I turned back and stopped at the red light on the exit road. I looked to my right and there was this chick sat in her car. From what I could see, she was really fit - the face of an 8.5 (but this was through my window and her window). We were the only two cars there, side-by-side.
The voice in my head said, open her.
The lights stayed red.
*open her*
Still red
Why wasn't I opening this girl. We were sat there for maybe 3 minutes... no cars were passing. In the end I would down my window and motioned for her to do the same... She complied.
BG: I think the lights are broken
HB: Yeah
BG: I am just going to jump the light
HB: OK... let's do that.
I drove left and she drove right. I was hitting my steering wheel... What a pathetic cunt I am.
3 weeks later... I was driving out of the same Tescos... I was going through the ticket barriers... when I noticed the same chick was taking a ticket to get in. Without thinking...
BG: It's you.
HB: Oh yeah... hi... [laughing]
BG: Why are you stalking me?
HB: I'm not!
BG: You are gorgeous... are you single?
HB: How old are you?
BG: Are you single
HB: Yes
BG: 26... how old are you?
HB: 30... 31 in a few months.
At this point cars were building up behind both of us.
BG: You are gorgeous... what's your number.
HB: But how do I know you are not a weirdo.
BG: Because I am not... quickly or I will have to go...
HB: No... I can't because I don't know you...
BG: Well that is easily rectified.
I then turned the car around (it was a 14 point turn like in Austin Powers).
I pulled up the car... she drove into the car park... I followed her and parked right alongside her.
So I jumped out... I was topless and in a pair of blue camouflage boxing shorts.... Boxing shoes, with my hands wrapped in bandages... I was soaked in sweat... I looked absolutely rancid.
I walked over to her car and shot the shit for a while. She said I could have her number within 30 seconds. She told me she was going on a date to which I replied "I can't believe you are cheating on me already." The guy she was dating was 42, so I hammered her for that, asking her what she would do if she had to change his colostomy bag in the middle of the date... She was laughing hard. I said I would call her and got back in my car. Open window... "have fun with the geriatric."
I called her before she had even got into Tescos...
HB: "Hello"
BG: "I am really missing you"
HB: Laughing.
Chatted nonsense to her while I drove home and she bought a few bottles of wine and some things for her date... Coached her through how she should behave on a date with an older man...
BG: "OK... I want you to text me tomorrow with a score of your date"
HB: OK
The text came through at 9.30am
"The date was a 7... but I am really hungover... I get really bad hangovers xx"
My reply:
"I just get really horny on a hangover"
I think I must have mis-calibrated because her reply was:
"Oh my god, you are just too forward for me. I think it must be an age thing... have a nice life."
BG: "I think you have taken my text a little too seriously"
Nothing... [Interesting point... this is why texts are so dangerous. If you make a comment like that over the phone, you can handle objections in a million different ways... in a text, before you have built trust/familiarity, you are playing a dangerous game.]
I left the situation and then called her a few days later on Sunday morning. The phone rang out... voicemail.
"Hi Helen, just a quick call to see what is going on in your world. I am not going to let your issues with my age get in the way of Tesco's most beautiful love story of 2006, so kindly get off your ass and drop me a line."
Within about 5 minutes, I had a text come through.
"BG, please get the message and give up... I really am not interested in anything happening with you. Have a nice life"
I called her back and she picked up.
I can't remember what I said, but it is basic spontaneous conversation... we dealt with her issues around my original text. I asked her if she was always such a psycho. Got her laughing pretty good. "Why do you have such issues with age". "Did the geriatric shit on your kitchen floor?" As she laughed harder, I started to escalate sexually: "What are you wearing". "Come and get in my bed". "How do you kiss," "What is your favourite underwear on guys".
Compliance on almost every level... Whenever there wasn't compliance, I would just make her laugh some more and then go back... On a Sunday morning, hungover in my bed, I was turning this girl on. She didn't expect this.
I called her about 10 times that day... long and short calls. Serious and not so serious topics of discussion. Always very sexually charged. "I want to kiss you now".
That night, she suggested a meeting.
HB: Let's have a drink somewhere
BG: We can have some wine at mine and watch a DVD
HB: I am not coming to yours, I hardly know you.
BG: Well we will have some wine at your place then... I don't like kissing in bars... I can't wait to kiss you.
HB: You are really rude.
We arranged to meet on Thursday.
From Sunday through to Thursday, I called her everyday... I called her at work. She has a slight speech impediment and has problems with the letter "R," so everytime I spoke with her, I also had the same speech impediment... It drove her up the wall, but made us both laugh. I mimicked her voice. She has a bald sphinx cat called Gollum, so I kept calling and asking to speak to Gollum. I lost track of the amount of times I said to her.
BG: Are you still talking? Just shut the fuck up and put me on the phone to Gollum.
For those of you who are interested, here is Gollum... not a normal animal.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/84159936@N00/249817587/
Along with making her laugh, I kept things extremely sexual. I told her I was seeing other girls, but no one serious... I kept talking about how I keep day dreaming about having sex with her.
When I got to her house, we both had 5 days of pent up sexual energy in us. I pulled her on the doorstep. We walked inside and carried on kissing.
I suggested the DVD... which we put on, but it didn't work.
I suggested strip Q&A - (Each person ask a question and if you get it wrong, you have to take a piece of clothing off that the person who asked the question wants.)
HB: No way... it's too rude...
BG: What is the capital of France
HB: Paris!
She was playing the game.
She asked me what is the capital of Spain.(I am not thick)
BG: Erm... Barcelona?
HB: Wrong! Madrid! Strip!
This was too easy...
So as I continued to fluff the most ridiculously simple questions and ask her very tough ones, we gradually started to get down to naked flesh.
2 interesting points:
1) When she took off her bra, she had plastic 32D tits... AMAZING.
2) Whenever I got a question wrong, she would go for my lower half of clothing. I had a T-shirt and a cardigan on and she told me to take off my boxers... I was sat there in her lounge with my dick out under her instruction.
Anyway... We started to kiss... I sucked on her tits for a long time and then I went down on her and gave what she later described as "incredible cunnilingus".
She then went down on me. She tied her hair back with a hair band, so I could see what she was doing which I was really impressed with.
She was moaning while she was chewing me off, which again, I really like. She was half wanking me off with her dick in her mouth and by her lips... really good blow-job. She stopped.
HB: "Do you like a finger"
BG: Yes
She stuck a finger in my ass and carried on the oral assault. It wasn't long before I told her I was going to come... she just looked up, smiled, wrenched the finger in another centimetre and carried on.
She was hovering her head above my dick, so I actually saw the cum shoot out on to her face... she then sank down on my dick and swallowed the rest... this girl was a fucking pro.
I couldn't help but smile when I thought back when this girl told me I was too rude and too forward. Then, less than a week later, she was sucking me off with her finger up my shitter and letting me cum on her face and in her mouth. Remarkable turn around. One for the lads... All women are filthy slags. X
Anyway... I fucked her quite a lot that night.
Interesting moment... When I was inside her, the cat started to attack my foot... Gollem was boxing and pawing my foot... he then started to bite my toe... he drew blood and I had to stop. She wouldn't let me put the cat out of the bedroom and every time I started smashing her in, the cat would start to interfere... This scrotum like bag of bones with massive ears was trying to protect it's mummy from getting thoroughly dealt with.
The keys to this sarge were...
Open...
Go direct very quickly.
Get sexual and stay sexual
Ignore any verbal objections to you getting sexual.
Run solid phone game.
Be prepared to take the finger.
Peace and love,
Baby xxx
(Credit Baby Girl -LSS Forums)
J Siverthorn - Focus Directing Questions
Anthony Berger - How To Get Into Threesomes
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Lr Girl I Met In Tescos
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